Song For Haiti

,Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the
shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when
they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has
made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but
I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks
desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike
bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour,
beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have
nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you
seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti,
there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox --
that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing
against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll. You're doing great work, Pat,
and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look
bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But
leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan